Again with the troops?

But no, it will be the Guard. But that will bring traffic, which we definitely do not need. I’m guessing the National Guard will carpool, but I’m not sure they have FasTrak Flex so they would just clog up the non-express lanes on Highway 101 from Moffett Field. And they’d probably go 60 mph in the far left lane.

And everything is basically fine around here anyway. The Tenderloin is always going to Tenderloin, so I don’t think a few hundred National Guard troops will do much of anything there. I suppose they could grab a few brooms. Everywhere else? I mean, I think we got it. Right?

But if they were to come, I suppose they could do some traffic control especially around Market Street where it’s always backed up and pretty confusing with all the traffic paint. We actually could have used them a few weeks ago when the Folsom Street Fair blocked many access points to the freeway, and the boys may have had some fun there too.

I hear Sunset Dunes is nice, and they might like cruising up and down it, as long as they follow the rules for the multiuse and park zones — walk on the west side, ride on the east side. Actually, if the National Guard took over the Sunset, most people probably wouldn’t even notice; however, they better side with the right activist group or face a recall.

Or they could head over to Fisherman’s Wharf and have tourists take photos of them. They could even hide in the bushes like the Bush Man, and pop out and scare tourists with their stern looks and automatic weapons. They are already wearing camo, and could raise money to pay for their own deployment. I hear the sourdough bread bowls are good at Boudin, and they might even get a group discount.

They could run drills in Golden Gate Park. The west side has some good open space for it, and they could head east to take a break in the Tea Garden and get an Annie’s hot dog or two. The Manet and Morisot exhibit seems pretty good at the de Young and I think they could definitely get a military discount. They can also check out all the statues. I’m not sure if the U.S. Grant one was put back, but he was a general you know.

And they just have to try El Farolito and Taqueria Cancun in the Mission. I have my favorite, I’d be interested to see which one the troops like. It would also be interesting to see how long they actually last in the Mission, especially at 24th.

On their way out, the National Guard could stop off at Filoli and visit the trolls through Nov. 10, though they better make sure they make a reservation. Or better yet, they could do traffic control for this weekend’s Pumpkin Festival in Half Moon Bay. It gets mighty crowded out there so having some Humvees on the routes could surely speed the traffic. Better yet, they could carry people over in their personnel carriers from the Bayside. Or even better yet, take some of us over in a Black Hawks. A few lucky ones could rappel down or even paratroop into the festival. The troops could try target practice on those big pumpkins, or even fly one around and drop it into an empty field to see if might “bounce.”

After they get their fill, they could head back to the Bayside, but if they get lost in the San Bruno hills, I am sure there could plenty of Cap or even Mills students who would want to pretend they are in the movie Red Dawn and try to dodge them in their pickup trucks, “Wolverines!”

With all this traveling around the country, the National Guard is sure to have picked up some Frequent Flyer miles they’ll probably want to use at SFO. Maybe take a trip to San Diego or Miami, it’s nice there this time of year. But they better be sure to get there early, lines are pretty long because of the government shutdown.